He Rewards Those Who Earnestly Seek Him

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Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. Hebrews 11:6

So often I feel like I am not pleasing God.

Its not because I don't believe He exists. With the exception of one dark night in Aberdeen, I have always believed - firmly - in His existence. Though that one night of doubt has had lasting damage on my confidence. But believing He's here with me isn't enough.


We must also believe that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. That one, I'm shaky on.

Lately, I have come to realize that there are things I don't ask for. There are prayers that I avoid. Because I am beginning to believe that God doesn't *want* to grant those prayers. By want, of course, I mean that He knows better than I do and in His infinite wisdom, decided not to give me what I asked for. He isn't going to give it to me so why should I bother asking. This, my dear Bonnie (and all the the others who try to encourage me that someday my prince will come), is why I make jokes about being a spinster. Because I cannot keep asking if it seems clear to me that it is not His will. It hurts to much to remember and revisit in prayer.

When I was in college, I did earnestly seek Him. I began to orient my life to Him when I left home. My family has more tradition in passive belief than active service. I sought Him in my studies, in my relationships, my dreams and my heart. That was when my writing and love for books and story began. What I found in my search was the courage not only to dream, but to leave home to follow it. I rarely stopped to consider how extraordinary it was for me to go like that with almost no fear.

Unfortunately, it didn't turn out as well as I imagined. Much of it has to do with that dark night I alluded to earlier, but also because I stopped seeking Him. At that time, I hadn't learned what to do when my Lord stopped speaking to me, or the importance of whitespace, and having people in my life. I hadn't learned that when you've finally learned one lesson, God has already started teaching you something else. I could not coast through graduate school in a foreign country on what He taught me at Tyndale. I was supposed to be learning new things.

I am only just beginning to consider that my failure in Scotland was not about whether or not I sought His counsel on going. It was due to not seeking Him daily while I was living my dream. And just because something seems clear to me that doesn't mean that its the Truth.

I must not only have faith that He is who He is, but that He will reward me in His own way when I earnestly seek Him.

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